Cazza Whatever!

Today I have excelled at baby brainitus by convincing myself that the clocks went forward!! Dutifully waking up several times (more due to my little hitch-hiker than me) I faithfully checked the clocks reminding myself that I must add an hour to whatever they said. Eventually at 5.30am it finally dawned on me that as none of the clocks had changed at all and after a wake up call from a friend on FB I was plain and simply wrong!    The thing is today is a mixed up day for me emotionally too, this year more than ever before. As I wake up to another Mother's Day I am flooded with mixed feelings; I am going to be a mummy any day now having waited 7 long years, but have no idea when our arrival will appear, so many of my lovely and precious friends are still longing to be mums and aren't and my own mum feels like she's slipping away every day although in reality she is very much still here. I am aware that for all of you today there will be a mix of emotions too;...

Today we must all have lots to do to prepare for Christmas;  put up the tree, hoover the house, make sure the lights work- which you know they won't, buy new lights, wrap presents, take out your inheritance to buy stamps, phone people you haven't bothered to speak to all year to get their address proving you haven't spoken to them all year,  post cards, and all the other things you know you have to get done.  Then for us this year there's a whole new level of preparations for our new and imminent arrival- find clothes that fit me, buy clothes that fit me, sort out a push chair, find the spare room under all the junk, change the spare room into a nursery- the lists seems endless!  Usually I plot all the reminders into my phone and then watch TV stressing about how to get it all done- instead of getting it all done- but I turned to my bible instead.  Because today is the 1st of December- (apparently not advent til tomorrow) and so a good day for thinking ab...

Lamentations 3: 28-30 (The message) When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions; wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full- face. the "worst" is never the worst. This fortnight has been all about houses. Not the wonderful exciting house that my little baby Bumpling is building inside me but the family house that my mum has lived in for forty years. Last week we moved her out of there as she can no longer manage on her own. My questions, worries and fears deafen me. This is God's response straight from the above bible verse, and my response to Him. "As my mind becomes clouded with stress, questions and worries I seek my dark place. I seek to enter the silence with my wonderful counsellor. Going upstairs I run a bath and light a candle, putting in bubble bath and turning off the light I want to enter the dark- but I must see the hope- I am tempted to cry out to God, I ...

I'm having an extension! My husband isn't, just me. Right now I think the occupant is adding furnishings and making everything cosy. Confused? Well it may help to know that  it's nothing to do with our actual house at all- we're having our first baby! When I had my first twinge/cramp early on having discovered I was expecting at about six weeks , I was really scared that I was going to lose the baby. When you feel those pains panic sets in and suddenly you start to question everything- it's an unsettling time. But God showed me that  I must have belief and in that word are the words BE LIFE- a promise that has and will stick with me throughout this. He also showed me that those pains are like having building work done and it's all part of the journey.  So here is the building plan so far.... The first thing to happen at about eight weeks was the bedroom was created (and sometimes it felt like they were trying to fit a wide screen TV in as well!). It...

Many years ago I went on a TFG (Twyford Fellowship Group) weekend. This is no big deal, I went on loads but on this partciular one we were experimenting with prophecy. I seem to remember we had alot of pictures of sausages and other amusing sources of prophecy (which all amazingly meant something to someone) but I had a picture of a duck in a dartboard. Stay with me :0) The thing about throwing a duck in a dartboard is it isn't really very effective. Obviously I haven't ever tried but I can imagine that there would be quite alot of resistant from said bird and the pub owners (or wherever your dartboard is located) may be resistant to you bringing birds into their establishment in the first place, but the main point is a duck isn't fit for purpose (had to get the middle management speak in there somewhere). In order to score a bullseye you need a dart. I had an amazing but sobering picture this morning -possibly 20 years on from that prophecy but least said about that ...

I need space!!! This revelation came from realising that I no longer have enough space on my iPhone. It tells me that I have loads of unnecessary data on there but not enough space for the data I really want/need to have. For example right now my song list is in disarray. The songs I have are old, boring songs or freebies from exciting Christmas deals that somehow you feel you have to have because they're free. I know I have Cheryl Cole taking up the space where Gary Barlow should rightfully be; I know Level 42 should be making way for Niki Minaj. The songs that I used to want to own are now no longer wanted, I now need songs for my profession, and I can't even download a simple backing track! Suddenly I resent the files that I once took hours dutifully downloading bit by bit on my then brand new and exciting iphone, I want more space. This got me thinking. This weekend and next week it is the half tern holidays, I have loads of things I need to do but I need space. I...

In a way I just want to leave that question out there. I could have tweeted it but Cazbarwick only has 16 followers, I could have posted it on FB but I get tired of people taking the mickey out of the serious questions I sometimes need to ask. The thing is that it seems the older you get the more hope hurts. On my last blog I accepted that Daddy waits with me, but that line came from a poem entitled Daddy it hurts. And it does. I love hope but recently I've found myself wishing that I didn't have so much because it hurts to have such high expectations. It's also amazing when the thing you expected to happen actually does. But what if it doesn't....?